just a man

i loved him, i love him and i loved him. i gave my all, everything i had and everything i am, all for him. for what reason i still don't know. thankfully my mind has wiped itself clean of any possible, valid reason i gave him so much. all i know is that i did it, i still do it to some degree and i will probably never stop. it's been almost four whole years since we met. my feelings were nothing but the truth, the rawest and most naked i have ever been. i let him know the deepest, darkest depths i can fall and stoop to. and he just kept lying. lying and eventually cheating, the two always go hand in hand. i'd batter myself for being so stupid, but sixteen year old girls are inevitibly the stupidest creatures on the planet, i couldn't be blamed, and i refuse to blame myself anymore. i will blame the then-thirty three year old man, and the currently thirty seven year old man for what he did to me, and him only. i won't even blame gracie #2 for it anymore. i still cry, but more out of anger than sadness. no jealousy anymore. because they deserve each other. two grifting, lying, manipulative cunts together. one naive and pathetic, thinking she has everything under control, the other, a narcissistic, vengeful, selfish, evil addict who is really pulling the strings. picking and choosing his moments, collecting very painful and person memories, using them as insults at the exact right point, it's an art, i must admit. i will always believe she stole my life, although i know i'm better off now. i had a lucky escape. imagine being tied down to that. continuing to be under his complete psychological control like a little puppet, using my body, money and time all up on him. he never deserved me, never will. he never deserved to be able to make me into a little slave so incredibly happy to receive just one crumb of attention, that i was trained to find so satisfying. he never loved me. i could cry with anger and laugh with glee at the same time.