All of this, made of God

things would be so much easier to have never gone through the heartbreak. spending years learning someone isn't who you thought they were, and slowly having your heart destroyed, losing all respect and faith in men, knowing how fickle they can be and how quickly they can come and go, how easily they can fly off the handle, how easy it is for them to just wash their hands of you. i couldn't take the heartbreak anymore. i couldn't take not feeling good enough, and feeling worth nothing any longer. i can't take knowing i could rule the world and he would still never be happy. i would still be half god, half devil. i would still have the part of me connected to him held upon high, and the parts of who he considers to be the devil shining through. the person i see every day, who my entire life revolves around, who has been my sole parent since i was 13 is someone i can't show any signs of influence from. he will never truly give a shit as long as i carry her with me. so i refuse to bother any longer. i refuse to hurt. i refuse to feel worthless. i refuse to allow him to lower me to such depths that even the slightest crumb of male attention controls my psyche. i refuse to allow him to ruin me for some lowlife, pathetic, little man to walk in and rule my world. i'm worth the world, i'm worth more than my weight in gold. i am beautiful. i am smart. i am funny, strong, sexy, energetic; i am a fucking force of nature.

i have a stepdad who would skin people alive for me and walk over their corpses like they were nothing. i have an uncle who is the most gentle, sweet, proactive and strong soul. i have a grandad who brought me up right and made me who i am today. i never needed my dad then, and i don't need him now. i have no hole in my life that needs to be filled, and no void in my heart. my heart is full of love for my brother, my uncle, my stepdad, grandparents and myself. i don't need to love anyone else. i am not lost. not everyone with an emotionally absent idiot father spends their entire life searching for a daddy. i did it once. idiotic mistake. got it out of my system. never again.

when he makes me proud, or is happy, or does something he loves, my heart swells. my face is bright and glowing with a smile for the rest of the day. when he is sad, loses out on an oppotunity. is feeling low and useless, i feel dark and black and empty inside. i was never a sister-mother. but my emotions as he goes through life are a rollercoaster of maternal instinct and love. i'd take a bullet for him, come back from the dead, and take another one. i'd never let anyone hurt him and get away with it. there's a number of times i've become fiercely protective like an animal when somebody fucks him over and takes him for an idiot. i will make sure he is happy if it's the last thing i do.

i grew up under christian influence. it's in my dna. even through my wilderness phase, when i explored sex, drugs, piercings, tattoos, metal, satanism, wicca from age 13, i continued to serve god. nobody ever pressured me or excessively guilted me. i came home finally on my own, at age 16. i am a methodist-catholic mongrel. i still don't know about my spiritual path but i'm certain things will become clearer in time as the plan for me is finally beginning to be laid out. god gave me many gifts to then be taken away, and i know these are all lessons in many areas, including being humble. if you have a wonderful gift and you aren't humble, how will you ever appreciate it until the concept of it one day dissappearing quicker than it was given to you is put into your life. the gift i have left is my affinity with the elderly, one of the most overlooked vulnerable portions of society. i believe my path is to serve god through serving the elderly. so that's what i'll do. i will never judge another person for the big few sins as long as i live, because i know how it feels to be judged. the big few sins? i've pretty much done it all. and you can't judge for many of them without being a hypocrite. you can't impose your views on people in that way. because one day it might be you. and the most important point i have to make on the matter? free will was a gift from god himself. and ruining the free will of others to make choices considered bad, is stealing a gift from god to all mankind. let people find their own path, make their own decisions, leave home and walk through the front door again, whether it's days, weeks, months or years later.